Last week, as usual, the marvelous Amy Dingmann from A Farmish Kind of Life got my mental wheels spinning. Her latest podcast episode, “How we lost big family gatherings” really got me thinking.

Now, the only time we regularly see extended family is at funerals or weddings. It seems like family isn’t as “cool” or “ideal” or “pinterest perfect” as friends – in real life and online. Family has been demoted from the list of priorities in favour of said friends. You see…Friends you get to choose and you all get along and everything is sunshine, butterflies, and rainbow unicorn farts. Family, on the other hand, is just not all that and a bag of chips, you didn’t choose them, and you don’t get along politically with half of them, so WHY in the world would anyone want to take the 45 minutes to drive to Gramma’s house for the weekly roast dinner (even if that means missing her famous Yellow Cake with Chocolate Frosting).

If you’ve ever read “The Art of Gathering,” by Priya Parker, you know that what is missing so often nowadays is the WHY behind getting together. I can tell you that the WHY behind going to Gramma’s every Sunday growing up was to take her to church (we alternated weeks with one of my aunts for this), visit the cemetery and all the auld ones buried there, and take care of any odds ‘n’ ends around her house that needed to be done. There were a ton of trees that had leaves to be raked, a large yard to mow, windows to be washed, floors to be vacuumed, etc. Cousins were always there for us to play with – racing Big Wheels from the patio, around the corner, and up the drive to the garage…building forts under the numerous fir trees…making up plays and musicals in the basement…curling up on the couch in the back bedroom and watching cartoons if it was rainy or snowy outside.

The best WHY of all: being the one Gramma called in to the kitchen to help her make that week’s cake. From the time you could stand on a chair and help mix (or lick the spatula), you were in the running to be her baking assistant for the week. The time spent with Gramma in the kitchen was a time of story telling, learning all of her secrets (Just what exactly is a pinch of this and a dash of that? You needed to be in the kitchen watching her put everything together to get the answer). And you and Gramma were the only ones allowed in…unless Dad was asked to deal with the roast going in and out of the oven, or it was time for Mom or Aunt B to make the potatoes.

The rest of the adults would sit on the patio, or in the front room, once the odd jobs for the week were done, and they would talk about everything and anything under the sun. Some people were talked about in whispers, and us kids always wondered just WHAT was wrong with Aunt Janie’s boyfriend, or what a certain cousin had gotten into that week.

When we stopped making family a priority, we lost those oral histories and family traditions. As technology got more and more ingrained into our daily lives, we got used to the instant gratification of the modern tech age. Why should we all drive 45 minutes to the central location of Gramma’s house, when we could just make a phone call or do a video chat? There is no more anticipation of the drive to get there, or being stuck in traffic and hoping that it clears up so we can get Gramma to church in time (if she didn’t get to her preferred pew…ooo…you would never hear the end of it).

But…times change…Nuclear families grew, and children moved away, got married, had their own families. The sports and dance recitals got in the way of those extended family visits. Gramma died, and it was now an hour and a half on a good day to get to each other. Grandchildren took the place of children. Couples got divorced. Family members feuded. We started taking it personally when we didn’t see eye to eye with one another, so we stopped hosting or going to the various gatherings.

We start with our nuclear families. We bring back the Sunday dinner…with no technology at the table. We need to focus on being PRESENT with each other. We look for and define the WHY of our being together. And we GIVE our full attention to the people we are with. Once a month, or once every other month…we extend an invitation to the extended family members that are somewhat local, and ask if they are free and would like to come over for dinner, or lunch. Will it be awkward at first? Absolutely. But we have to rebuild those relationships…Fix the trust that has been broken. Then…and only then…can we enjoy these family meetings once more.

That…and…Someone better know how to make Gramma Cake!